Devotional blog dedicated to the Goddess Sigyn offering support to those who are "holding the bowl" within difficult relationships.
If someone is rude or disrespectful towards you, politely excuse yourself and walk away. It sends a clear message to the other person – that what they’ve said or done is unacceptable, and you won’t tolerate it.
http://www.yourholidaymom.com/ is a blog run by a bunch of moms (and sometimes other parents) who will post a letter to you daily until Christmas with words of acceptance and welcome. It was designed specifically as a project for kids and adults who face rejection over the holidays because of their sexuality or gender. This meant a lot to me the first year that I was isolated by my family, and I wanted to share it with all of you.
- Stop assuming that everyone has been treated well by that family.
- Respect is not freely given, it is earned. You don’t owe anyone respect. You do not owe anyone anything.
- This line is used repeatedly in abusive situations. It is frequently used in emotional abuse in the form of gaslighting to make the survivor doubt their perceptions of events. It also is frequently used to control, manipulate and coerce behaviour.
It’s over.
It wasn’t a war or a fight. Those things have rules. This was more like Aaron getting in the ring with the Mohammed Ali of cancers, and smiling for round after round after he got his teeth knocked out and his face rearranged.
Ding.
One more heartbreak, today.
Nora’s been documenting Aaron’s tumor for two and a half years now. Beautifully, openly, sometimes lightly, always poignantly. As she puts it, “It’s not a cancer story, it’s a love story. With some cancer.” You can start that story from the beginning over here.
Aaron passed away yesterday. Our condolences to all those he leaves behind. We’re in awe of your strength, and we’re grateful for this record of your love.
Here are a few suggestions for getting through the holiday season if you struggle with holiday depression:
1) Non-holiday gathering. If you have friends or acquaintances who struggle with the holidays, consider having a gathering of your own preference. Maybe even invite people you don’t know who are also in the same boat. Whether or not these are close friends, you already will have common ground in helping to support each other through the holidays.
2) Break the holiday idealization. It’s just another day. While the media and social media won’t let us believe that’s the case, the holidays are only as grand as we allow them to be. Some people don’t regard the holidays as a special day at all, and just live them as an ordinary day, filling the day with whatever brings them fulfillment.
3) Time off from social media. Even when it’s not the holidays, social media have a way of making people feel bad about their lives. The holidays on social media are sort of like regular days on steroids — all of the seemingly exorbitant levels of happiness dressed in a holiday theme. (Maybe it would help if people also posted the frustrations and not just the good things that make it seem like life is always wonderful). Around the holidays (approximately a week before and a few days after), keep with reality by taking a break from Facebook, Twitter, and any other happiness media.
4) Take a break from TV. If you’re going to be alone around the holidays and must watch some TV, I suggest watching things that make you forget it’s the holiday season. Reruns of tv shows (not the holiday episodes), movies that aren’t holiday themed, sports, or otherwise. Be careful with TV — the commercials will still remind you of the time of year. (And maybe stay away from all Steve Martin movies. As funny as they can be, even his non-holiday movies have a way of portraying life with the ideal happy family living in a mansion in Beverly Hills. Come to think of it, maybe just eliminate all comedies with snow…). So, if you can, I recommend another form of entertainment — books, puzzles, word puzzles, cooking, baking, gym, crafts, building, etc.
5) Focus on your hobbies. If you find yourself alone, or choose to be alone, around the holidays, make it a time of year to focus on your hobbies. These can be any of the activities above, or anything else that interests you — traveling, hiking, bike riding, movies, golfing, gaming, etc. Also, try meetup.com as a possibility for activity groups around the holidays that can bring you around other people who enjoy the same hobbies as you.
There are other possibilities for getting through the holidays. The main idea is to know that you don’t have to be alone, and to know that you are not alone in your desire to move straight from November 15th to Jaunary 3rd.
disabled children need to know that they’re worth more than being inspirational objects for abled adults
Here are 10 things that you can stop doing that may help relieve some of the stress involved in living with an alcoholic.
It’s typical for alcoholics to try to blame their drinking on circumstances or others around them, including those who are closest to them. It’s not unusual to hear an alcoholic say, “The only reason I drink is because you…” Don’t buy into it. If your loved one is truly an alcoholic, they are going to drink no matter what you do or say. It’s not your fault. They have become dependent on alcohol, and nothing is going to get between them and their drug of choice.
When alcoholics promise they will never drink again, but a short time later are back to drinking as much as always, it is easy for family members to take the broken promises and lies personally. You may tend to think, “If they really love me, they wouldn’t lie to me.” But if they have become truly addicted to alcohol, their brain chemistry may have changed to the point that they are completely surprised by some of the choices they make. They may not be in control of their own decision making.
Many family members of alcoholics naturally try everything they can think of to get their loved one to stop drinking. Unfortunately, this usually results in leaving the alcoholic’s family members feeling lonely and frustrated. You may tell yourself that surely there is something that you can do, but the reality is not even alcoholics can control their drinking, try as they may.
Make no mistake about it, alcoholism, or alcohol dependence, is a primary, chronic and progressive disease that sometimes can be fatal. You are not a healthcare professional. You are not a trained substance-abuse counselor. You just happen to love someone who is probably going to need professional treatment to get healthy again. That’s the alcoholic’s responsibility, not yours. You can’t cure a disease.
There is a joke in recovery circles about an alcoholic in denial who screams, “I don’t have a problem, so don’t tell anyone!” Alcoholics typically do not want anyone to know the level of their alcohol consumption because if someone found out the full extent of the problem, they might try to help! If family members try to “help” the alcoholic by covering up for their drinking and making excuses for them, they are playing right into the alcoholic’s denial game. Dealing with the problem openly and honestly is the best approach.
It usually begins with some small incident that family members brush off with, “They just had too much to drink.” But the next time, the behavior may get a little bit worse and then even worse. You slowly begin to accept more and more unacceptable behavior. Before you realize it, you can find yourself in a full-blown abusive relationship. Abuse is never acceptable. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior in your life. You do have choices.
One problem in dealing with an alcoholic is that what might seem like a reasonable expectation in some circumstances, might be totally unreasonable with an addict. When alcoholics swear to you and to themselves that they will never touch another drop, you might naturally expect that they are sincere and they won’t drink again. But with alcoholics, that expectation turns out to be unreasonable. Is it reasonable to expect someone to be honest with you when they are incapable of even being honest with himself or herself?
The key to dealing with alcoholism in the family is staying focused on the situation as it exists right now, today. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn’t reach a certain level and remain there for very long; it continues to get worse until the alcoholic seeks help. You can’t allow the disappointments and mistakes of the past affect your choices today, because circumstances have probably changed.
Often, well-meaning loved ones, in trying to “help,” will actually do something that enables alcoholics to continue along their destructive paths. Find out what enabling is and make sure that you are not doing anything that bolsters the alcoholic’s denial or prevents them from facing the natural consequences of their actions. Many an alcoholic has finally reached out for help when they realized their enabling system was no longer in place.
After years of covering up for the alcoholic and not talking about “the problem” outside the family, it may seem daunting to reach out for help from a support group such as Al-Anon Family Groups. But millions have found solutions that lead to serenity inside those meetings. Going to an Al-Anon meeting is one of those things that once you do it, you say, “I should have done this years ago!”
There may be very little you can do to help the alcoholic until he or she is ready to get help, but you can stop letting someone’s drinking problem dominate your thoughts and your life. It’s okay to make choices that are good for your physical and mental health.
My daughter has not seen her biological dad since she was four. She’s 11 now. When she was two he contacted me and asked if I would allow him to terminate his parental rights so he could stop paying child support and I agreed.. I wanted to spare her the heartache of a revolving door father and the sacrifice of the financial support was well worth him never being able to disappoint her again. I never lied to her about where he went or who her dad was.. I have always answered her questions in the most age appropriate way possible. When she was four he contacted me and told me he has been diagnosed with cancer and would like to see her. I set aside a day and we met in the park. He had asked for two hours. He stayed 20 minutes and we never heard from him again.. Over the summer we ran into somebody that knows him and they commented on how she looks like his other children. They elaborated that he has settled down and has a family now. My stomach tied itself in knots thinking of how hurtful that must be to my daughter.. I cut the conversation short and we got in the car to leave and that’s when I saw her smiling. She said “mom.. He figured out how to be a dad. That’s such a nice thing. I’m happy for his kids.” And that’s the day an 11 year old taught me all I need to know about forgiveness
Attention Disorders Can Take a Toll on Marriage
Does your husband or wife constantly forget chores and lose track of the calendar? Do you sometimes feel that instead of living with a spouse, you’re raising another child?
Your marriage may be suffering from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
An A.D.H.D. marriage? It may sound like a punch line, but the idea that attention problems can take a toll on adult relationships is getting more attention from mental health experts. In a marriage, the common symptoms of the disorder — distraction, disorganization, forgetfulness — can easily be misinterpreted as laziness, selfishness, and a lack of love and concern.
Adults with attention disorders often learn coping skills to help them stay organized and focused at work, but experts say many of them struggle at home, where their tendency to become distracted is a constant source of conflict. Some research suggests that these adults are twice as likely to be divorced; another study found high levels of distress in 60 percent of marriages where one spouse had the disorder.
Holding the Bowl 