Devotional blog dedicated to the Goddess Sigyn offering support to those who are "holding the bowl" within difficult relationships.
The sad truth is there will be some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose for them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on. We rarely lose friends, we just gradually figure put who are real ones are.
– Depression is a serious condition. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.
– The symptoms of depression aren’t personal. Depression makes it difficult for a person to connect on a deep emotional level with anyone, even the people he or she loves most. In addition, depressed people often say hurtful things and lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so try not to take it personally.
– Hiding the problem won’t make it go away. Don’t be an enabler. It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.
– You can’t “fix” someone else’s depression. Don’t try to rescue your loved one from depression. It’s not up to you to fix the problem, nor can you. You’re not to blame for your loved one’s depression or responsible for his or her happiness (or lack thereof). Ultimately, recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.
Signs that your friend or family member may be depressed
· He or she doesn’t seem to care about anything anymore.
· He or she is uncharacteristically sad, irritable, short-tempered, critical, or moody.
· He or she has lost interest in work, sex, hobbies, and other pleasurable activities.
· He or she talks about feeling “helpless” or “hopeless.”
· He or she expresses a bleak or negative outlook on life.
· He or she frequently complains of aches and pains such as headaches, stomach problems, and back pain.
· He or she complains of feeling tired and drained all the time.
· He or she has withdrawn from friends, family, and other social activities.
· He or she is either sleeping less than usual or oversleeping.
· He or she is eating either more or less than usual, and has recently gained or lost weight.
· He or she has become indecisive, forgetful, disorganized, and “out of it.”
· He or she is drinking more or abusing drugs, including prescription sleeping pills and painkillers.
How to talk to a loved one about depression
Sometimes it is hard to know what to say when speaking to a loved one about depression. You might fear that if you bring up your worries he or she will get angry, feel insulted, or ignore your concerns. You may be unsure what questions to ask or how to be supportive.
If you don’t know where to start, the following suggestions may help. But remember that being a compassionate listener is much more important than giving advice. Encourage the depressed person to talk about his or her feelings, and be willing to listen without judgment. And don’t expect a single conversation to be the end of it. Depressed people tend to withdraw from others and isolate themselves. You may need to express your concern and willingness to listen over and over again. Be gentle, yet persistent.
Ways to start the conversation:
· I have been feeling concerned about you lately.
· Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.
· I wanted to check in with you because you have seemed pretty down lately.
Questions you can ask:
· When did you begin feeling like this?
· Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?
· How can I best support you right now?
· Do you ever feel so bad that you don’t want to be anymore?
· Have you thought about getting help?
Remember, being supportive involves offering encouragement and hope. Very often, this is a matter of talking to the person in language that he or she will understand and respond to while in a depressed mind frame.
What you can say that helps:
· You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.
· You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.
· I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.
· When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold of for just one more day, hour, minute — whatever you can manage.
· You are important to me. Your life is important to me.
· Tell me what I can do now to help you.
Avoid saying:
· It’s all in your head.
· We all go through times like this.
· Look on the bright side.
· You have so much to live for why do you want to die?
· I can’t do anything about your situation.
· Just snap out of it.
· What’s wrong with you?
· Shouldn’t you be better by now.
Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm (abridged)
Really happy to see this at my local library
OOOOH. *happy YA librarian dance*
I want this in every library, everywhere. After all, some kids won’t even google this stuff because they don’t want parents/siblings checking their browser history.
If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve to never ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side.
It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it’s one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you’ll ever do.
When i was a kid my mom and i had a code word to let her know when i needed her to say no. For instance if a kid at school asked me to come over and stay the night but i really didnt want to, id call my mama and ask her, and then end it with “please, Mom?” I never call my mama Mom, just Mama or Moomoo, so she would know immediately to say that I was grounded or had too much homework or some other bullshit. We also had a system the other way around, so if i called her to see how her date was going and she needed an out, she would call me babydoll and id tell her i heard scary noises and was frightened and needed her to come home or something.
Anyways, my point is that every family should hqve a system of codes to keep them safe. Go do that.
Take care of yourselves, watch the people around you carefully, and cordon off the ones who are toxic, so that the universe can decontaminate them for you through exposure and death.
Warren Ellis
This is always very good advice (I’ve written some version of it myself at various times), but it’s especially poignant for me to read it from Warren, now, because I’ve just had to remove a profoundly toxic, dishonest, manipulative, bad, bad, bad person from my life. You’d think it would be easy, but it wasn’t.
So, speaking from experience: it’s not your fault that a toxic person fooled you, even if they fooled you for years. It’s not your fault, and while it is entirely expected that you go through the normal grieving process that is associated with any loss, try not to spend any time blaming yourself for not seeing all the things that you can see now in hindsight much sooner than you did.
Take care of yourself, as Warren says.
(via wilwheaton)
THIS.
(via dianesdreams)
1. Find someone whom you trust that you can share your feelings with – and be real about the pain and different battles that you face. It’s crucial that you don’t just keep your feelings to yourself as you’ll find that they resurface – and they won’t just go away.
2. Share with others who have also walked the road of grief and loss. Although each person’s journey is different and unique, it often helps to listen to others who’ve faced loss. You’ll learn from their experience and what they did to cope.
3. Take time away from sadness – and try to focus on some happy, funny memories of good times you once shared. Be thankful for these memories – but also take the time to consider and be grateful for what you have today. (Note: Distraction is important as you can’t just live with pain.)
4. Allow yourself to cry and to express the way you feel. It’s normal and it’s healthy when dealing with a loss. It usually brings relief and it can help us process pain … and releasing strong emotions can help us to move on.
(Note: If you find it hard to cry, express yourself in other ways – through painting, music or, perhaps, through journaling.)5. Try and do what you can to establish new routines. When a loved one dies, life can never be the same. But changing old routines can help us start over again – and build a different future, without that person there.
6. Build time for self-care into your daily routine. Set aside 20 minutes to relax and unwind … You could listen to some music, or take a bubble bath. It’s important that you nurture and take care of yourself, and you do what is needed to reduce excessive stress.
7. Recognise that there are likely to be other losses, too. You need to mourn for them as well – as they contribute to your pain.
8. Be patient, understanding and gentle with yourself. The road you walk through grief is unpredictable and hard. You’re on a roller coaster that’s always changing course. But things will change in time – and you will learn to smile again.
While this is written primarily for those who have experienced the death of someone who was close to them, I think that a lot of the tips it would also serve for any type of loss (such as a difficult breakup, losing a job, some other major setback in life) as well.
– Them asking you the same question at least 10 times.
– Them saying “I’m sorry” at least 5 times a day.
– You promising them everything is okay.
– Ordering food for them.
– Making phone calls for them.
– Repeating the same directions 3 times.
– Texts as soon as you leave.
– Sweaty palms.
– Constant reassuring.
– Them constantly changing their mind.
– ALWAYS BEING EARLY.
– NEVER BEING LATE.
– Directions never being clear enough.
– Answering the same question MULTIPLE times.
– Them being nervous for seemingly simple tasks.
-Friday nights in.
-Weird triggers you will never understand.
-Tears. Lots of tears.
-Sudden silence when they feel an attack coming on.
-Trouble going out to eat in a restaurant.
-Stomach aches.
-Late night phone calls.
-Giving them cuddles when they need it.
-Finding out signs they are nervous.
-Taking care of them when they are having an anxious day.
THIS THIS THIS
Codependency is an unhealthy form of love. It is where my need to take care of you compromises or harms my quality of life. Although it’s usually seen in romantic partnerships, it can occur in any relationship, including family, friends or peers. Characteristics of codependency include:
1. I feel good about myself when you like and approve of me.
2. Your problems and concerns disturb my peace of mind.
3. A lot of my mental energy is focused on helping and rescuing you (either solving your problems or relieving your pain).
4. A lot of my mental energy is diverted into protecting you.
5. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to get you to do it my way (ie. Being manipulative).
6. My self-esteem is boosted by solving your problems or helping to relieve your pain.
7. I set aside my own interests, hobbies and goals as I’d rather spend my time doing what interests you.
8. I feel how you look, how you behave, and what you achieve (or do not achieve) reflects on me – and is a judgment of me.
9. I’ve lost touch with feelings as I’m totally consumed with how you feel, and how your feelings are changing.
10. I don’t really know what I want any more – as I’m so wrapped up in you, and what you want.
11. The hopes and dreams for the future are all tied to you.
12. My fear of rejection or abandonment by you determines how I act and what I say.
13. My fear of upsetting or making you mad determines how I act and what I say.
14. I use giving as a way to feel safe and secure in my relationship with you.
15. My friends and social circle gets smaller and smaller as I involve myself more and more with you.
16. I value your opinions more than my own opinions, and am willing to sacrifice my personal values to be accepted and valued by you.
Today was a historic day for LGBT people as SCOTUS ruled to extend marriage to same-sex couples, and several transgender people born in states like Tennessee and Ohio, unable to marry because of their states refusing to change their gender marker on their birth certificates. I am celebrating for all my friends who now have the right to marry, but I cannot celebrate for myself, because I still cannot get married.
Yeah, this is becoming an issue for me.
The rules for SSI and Medicaid are set so that if you make *almost* enough to get out of poverty, they cut you off, leaving you in poverty. You can’t work or you’ll lose your benefits, but you can’t quite live on your benefits either, and you can’t work enough to make up for it, at all.
Now add in a second person’s income on top of that. They get access to your partner’s bank account records, they monitor their accounts, they count anything either of you makes against you – even money people give you so you can eat because the government doesn’t give you enough to not go hungry. They punish you for money people give you to help you get by. Just … deal with that.
They want us to starve and die young. They honestly do. No lie. And they won’t even stop penalizing us for wanting to be in a legally-recognized relationship with all the safeties that provides, such as those related to access to hospitalized people, those dealing with distribution of property after death, and so on.
It’s not *illegal* for disabled people to get married, but that doesn’t mean disabled people are not *punished* for getting married.
The whole system is fucked, and I honestly despair of it ever improving, or doing so quickly enough to help me.
Some People with Disabilities ARE Prevented from Getting Married and Here’s Why
Holding the Bowl 