with mother’s day coming up pretty soon let’s all keep in mind that not everyone has positive feelings about or a healthy relationship with their mother.
some people grew up with abusive mothers, some people grew up with absent mothers, and some people have mothers who they just don’t get along with because of personality clashes or a radical difference in beliefs.
while it’s completely okay to celebrate mother’s day and talk about how much you love your own mother, please keep in mind that there are people who are not going to be celebrating and who do not have the positive relationship with their mother that you do. try to refrain from making or reblogging shaming, guilt-tripping posts saying/implying that someone is not a good person for not being with their mother on mother’s day or for not having loving feelings towards their mother and consider tagging your mother’s day posts so that people can avoid seeing them if they want to. also, if you see someone you follow or someone you know having a bad time on mother’s day because it brings up negative feelings for them please consider reaching out to that person and offering them a kind word of support.
mothers are generally seen to be good and wonderful and most of them are! but mothers are not incapable of being abusive and they are not incapable of doing something wrong and unfortunately not everyone was lucky enough to grow up with a mother who loved them and treated them the way a good mother should. please keep these people in mind on mother’s day and do not treat people badly for not celebrating mother’s day or for expressing negative feelings about their mother. there’s a reason they’re not celebrating and a reason those feelings exist. please respect that.
Tag: relationships
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Here’s your reminder that relationships are extremely difficult. the delusion that you are going to find that person who you move into a small apartment with and read books all day and cook naked and cuddle with and play footsie under the table with is a gross romanticization of reality.
You’re going to have great times in a relationship. You’re going to go on fun dates and have great sex and hot make out sessions. But you’re also going to fight. You’re going to be in that weird stage where you like them more than they like you or vice versa and that’s going to hurt. You’re going to have to deal with jealousy and insecurity. You will have to deal with boredom in the relationship. You’re going to be too busy for them or accidentally hurt them. And you are going to have to deal with a few break ups before you find that right one.
A relationship is not going to solve all of your problems. It’s not going to suddenly make you happy. It isn’t easy. They are much harder than being single. Relationships are an unbelievable amount of work and effort and compromise and it’s not always going to be perfect. But the effort you put into it is what make it worth it. Because you fought and worked hard for this person and hopefully they did the same for you. So remember that.
IMPORTANT
This month marks 3 years away from an abusive situation i was in for 11 years. Don’t do that to yourself. You deserve better.
So many folks know they don’t want to be abused but don’t know what healthy is. Here go, babies.
one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have.
no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation.
no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying.
no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.
no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.
a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age.
Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse.
I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships.
The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery.
If it wasn’t stated outright – it wasn’t said.
Wedding thoughts: All I know about love
A poem I wrote to read about love and about marriage at my friends’ wedding party last night.
Resources to identify, cope with, or leave a bad relationship
Most of the resources here use the term “abuse,” but if that word feels too big, too scary, too clinical, or otherwise not right for what you’re experiencing, that is okay.
Not all bad relationships are abusive. You don’t need to convince anyone that you’re being mistreated to a specific degree. You may just be struggling with a relationship that’s run its course, that doesn’t feel good, that isn’t healthy, or just isn’t right for you. That’s okay! If you don’t want to be in a relationship, you can leave it. That’s it!
Not all relationships have to be forever. You are not obligated to stay with someone indefinitely just because you were with them for a while beforehand. Ending a relationship doesn’t mean everything that came before was “meaningless.” You can have a lot of good times, and then come to a point where it’s best for you two to stop seeing each other.
“The reason we got together” and “the reason we broke up” can co-exist simultaneously. Part of dating is learning what you do and don’t need in a relationship. Some of that learning process means relationships will end. That’s okay.
Not all struggle equals growing. Some relationships hit “rough patches” and the partners work through them and come out stronger. But don’t let the narrative of “love takes work” and “relationships need compromise” convince you that you have to pour endless emotional labor into something. Leaving something that isn’t working takes its own courage and effort. It’s not “giving up,” it’s just learning and growing and making new choices.
If you need help figuring out whether to leave a relationship, consider:
- Reading through the “identifying abuse” section of this post
- Talking to people you trust about whether they think the relationship is good for you
- Thinking about your reasons to stay vs. your reasons to leave, and whether any of those are based on fear, insecurity, or other warped thinking
- Talking to a mental health professional
- Asking yourself whether your partner seems committed to improving or resolving the issues in your relationship
- Noting how often you feel happy, content, loved, afraid, guilty, angry, exhausted, etc. and whether the relationship makes you feel good overall
Abuse
If you know, or fear, that you are in an abusive relationship, the rest of this page is for you. I am not a professional or an expert in this field, so I will just state a few core truths and link as many resources as I can.
It is not your fault. Nothing you do can ever justify or deserve abuse.
It is not your responsibility. If someone is acting in a way that hurts you, that is their problem. There is nothing you can do or say to fix it. It doesn’t matter whether they have their own pain, life situation, or diagnosis. You don’t owe them anything.
If it feels bad, it’s bad. You don’t need to prove to anyone that a relationship is worth leaving. There isn’t a “threshold of abuse” that needs to be crossed before it’s okay to leave. If you’re unhappy, leave.
It doesn’t have to feel like this. Relationships should, at the core, make you feel happy, able to grow, free to be yourself. Yes, relationships take work and compromise – but if you feel angry, afraid, exhausted, or guilty in your relationship, you deserve better, and you can find better.
It is not selfish to leave. If you are unhappy or afraid in a relationship, you can leave it. Even if your partner believes that you owe them your emotional labor, or insists that they need you, you don’t have to stay.
You deserve help. There may be people who refuse to help you, or who can’t help you. Sometimes friends, family members, police, etc. let us down. Your partner may isolate you from people who can help. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help. Reach out to any sources of help. Cut off people who aren’t helpful. Fight for your own safety. Call a hotline, see a therapist, tell your manager – you may have to get creative. But you’re worth it.
Healing is possible. Abuse can impact your mood, self-esteem, future relationships, and other aspects of your life. If you need help identifying abuse and working up to leaving, or if you’ve already left and want help moving through the trauma of abuse, please work with a mental health professional.
Many of the resources linked here focus on adult, heterosexual women – though if you click through, many of the links also include resources for men, children, LGBTQ people, etc.
Identifying relationship abuse:
- HelpGuide abuse section
- 21 signs of an abusive relationship
- Abuse defined
- Signs of emotional abuse
- Am I being abused?
General abuse resources:
- Love Is Respect
- Abuse & Assault links at Scarleteen
- Out of the Fog
- Maine Center to End Domestic Violence
- Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness
- Domestic Shelters org
- Hotline for Domestic Violence
- Abuse and relationships
- Healthy Place
- Room to be Safe
- Domestic Violence Resource Center
Abuse resources on tumblr:
- All About Abuse
- Abuse FAQ
- Abuse advice
- Resources at Mental Illness Mouse (scroll to ‘abuse’)
- Emotional Abuse Awareness
- Abuse masterlist
Safety planning:
- Safety planning at loveisrespect
- Staying Safe page at Women’s Law
- Safety planning at Scarleteen
- Staying safe with an abusive partner
- Safety plan worksheet
- Emotional safety plan
Internet safety and stalking:
- Harassment & Stalking resources at NOVA
- Stalking resources at RAINN
- Stalking safety plan
- Technology safety planning at NNEDV
- Stalking resources at VOC
- Cyberstalking resources at DVRCV
Other sources to find help:
Grieving the time you loose because of mental illness is one of the hardest things. Sometimes it’s weeks and a few friends, then sometime it’s months and the special occasions missed and more friends drift away.
When it gets into multiple years its no longer about the friends you once had, or the family you were once apart off, it’s just the time. The person you could have been, the people you could have meet, the fun you never had the photos that where never taken. Years stripped from your youth, with no great brave story to say for.
People don’t want to hear about the years you “bravely” fought mental illness. Mental illness is so personal that people don’t know how to talk about or what to think of it. It’s too deep, too heavy. It’s not surface stuff.
When You’re Chronically Ill and You’ve Never Met Your Best Friends in Person
When your best friends or people you have never met… Yep, I think that describes quite a few of us. Do you have friends online who you would call TRUE friends? Share about how you met, how often you connect. We would love to hear your experience! #InvisibleIllness #ThisIsChronicIllness
I haven’t read this article yet, but I think it will definitely apply to me.
My best friends communicate with me via Facebook and Tumblr, with the occasional email. 🙂I find the greatest comfort from my chronic illness friends online ❤
When You’re Chronically Ill and You’ve Never Met Your Best Friends in Person
Parenthood
Being a parent with a disability is an incredible experience. And I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way.
Sometimes, it means that your child will see you throw a temper tantrum over toppling a plastic cup. Because that plastic cup falling over was the last thing you needed after waking up too early, not eating enough, changing so many outfits, and putting everything else first.
Sometimes, it means that your child will see you sobbing on the floor for what looks like no reason, and then they will come to your side and offer comfort because they’ve been there too. And they don’t even know that grown-ups should have a ‘better handle’ on crying. They just know that mommy is sad, so let’s hug her and be close because that might make her feel better. Most of the time, it does.
Sometimes, it means that your child will ask you if they can hug you when they see you slump, because they know something’s up before you do. A teeny little hug can make an entire day better, of course.
Sometimes, it means that your child starts to sob hysterically because they’re scared of the machine daddy’s putting on mommy’s back. They don’t know it’s supposed to make mommy better, or that it’s harmless to them. They just know mommy’s plugged into something and it looks weird.
Sometimes it means that you can’t pick up your kids even if you want to, because the physical pain is like torture. Even if it’s not hurting now, it’ll hurt later, and you know it.
Sometimes, it means that you can’t be a parent for a day or two. And you still love your kids, even if they’re consuming more energy than you have to give.
Is it time to let go?
Here are ten signs that show it’s time to let go:
1. Someone expects you to be someone you’re not – Don’t change who you are for anyone else. It’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than to keep them by being someone you’re not.
2. A person’s actions don’t match their words – Don’t listen to what people say; watch what they do. Your true friends will slowly reveal themselves over time.
3. You catch yourself forcing someone to love you – We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave. That’s what love is all about – freedom. And the end of love is not the end of life. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person, but the right person is always worth the wait.
4. An intimate relationship is based strictly on physical attraction – Being beautiful outwardly shouldn’t be what defines you. Tue love see into the depth of your heart, and values the person you are inside. It loves all the things that make you unique. People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever. But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.
5. Someone continuously breaks your trust – Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to. When you completely trust a person you’ll automatically get one of two results – a friend for life or a lesson for life. Either way there’s a positive outcome. Either you confirm the fact that this person cares about you, or you get the opportunity to weed them out of your life and make room for those who do.
6. Someone continuously overlooks your worth – When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your soul that you’ll never get back. Sometimes it’s better to let go of someone and accept the fact that they don’t care for you the way you care for them. Let them leave your life quietly.
7. You are never given a chance to speak your mind – Sometimes an argument saves a relationship, whereas silence breaks it. Life is about being honest and sharing your happiness with others.
8. You are frequently forced to sacrifice your happiness – If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance. Know when to close the account.
9. You truly dislike your current situation, routine, job, etc. – The best thing you can do in life is follow your heart. Take risks. Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen. If you do, nothing will ever happen.
10. You catch yourself obsessing over, and living in, the past – What matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life. That unveils the details of how well you wrote your story. So let go of the past, set yourself free, and open your mind to the possibility of new relationships and priceless experiences.
Source: http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/02/10-signs-its-time-to-let-go/ (Abridged)
Holding the Bowl 