A poem I wrote to read about love and about marriage at my friends’ wedding party last night.
Tag: love
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.
Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth being loved if you don’t love yourself. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a relationship. Never let anyone tell you that you should smile more, fix your hair, or wear more color. Never let anyone make you feel bad about what you can’t always control.
What It’s Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression By: Holly Everett (source)
Do You Love Someone With Depression?
If you have a partner or are close to someone who struggles with depression, you may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Mental illness is as real as physical illness (it is physical actually, read more about that here) and your partner needs you as much as they would need to be cared for if they had the flu.
Your relationship may seem one-sided during these times, but by helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long term.
1. Help them keep clutter at bay.
When a person begins spiraling into depression, they may feel like they are slowing down while the world around them speeds up. The mail may end up in stacks, dishes can pile up in the sink, laundry may go undone as the depressed person begins to feel more and more overwhelmed by their daily routine and unable to keep up. By giving your partner some extra help sorting mail, washing dishes or using paper plates and keeping chaos in check in general, you’ll be giving them (and yourself) the gift of a calm environment. (I’m a fan of the minimalist movement because of this, you can read more about that here.)
2. Fix them a healthy meal.
Your partner may do one of two things when they are in a depressed state. They may eat very little, or they may overeat. In either case, they may find that driving through a fast food restaurant or ordering a pizza online is just easier than fixing a meal. Eating like this, or neglecting to eat will only degrade your partner’s health, causing them to go deeper into their depression. Help your loved one keep their body healthy, and their mind will follow. This is a great article that talks about the “Brain Diet” which can help the symptoms of depression, and this article talks about how our modern diet could contribute to the recent rise in depression. Here is a recipe for a trail mix that is quick to make and has mood-boosting properties.
3.Get them outside.
The benefits of getting outside for a depressed person are huge. And it is possibly the last thing on earth your partner will want to do. Take them to be somewhere in nature. Pack a picnic and lie in the sun, take a leisurely hike or plant a garden. Being barefoot in the dirt, or “earthing” helps ground the body and reverse the effects of living in a world of emf’s, and digging in soil can actually act as an antidepressant, as a strain of bacterium in soil, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of seratonin, which in turn elevates mood and decreases anxiety. Sunshine increases Vitamin D production which can help alleviate depression. My friend Elizabeth wrote an excellent post about Vitamin D and its link to depression here. For more information about other sources of Vitamin D, this is a great post as well as this.
4. Ask them to help you understand what they’re feeling.
If your partner is able to articulate what they are going through, it will help them and you better understand what you are dealing with, and may give insight into a plan of action for helping your partner. Also, feeling alone is common for a depressed person and anything that combats that feeling will help alleviate the severity and length of the depression.
5. Encourage them to focus on self-care.
Depressed people often stop taking care of themselves. Showering, getting haircuts, going to the doctor or dentist, it’s all just too hard, and they don’t deserve to be well taken care of anyway in their minds. This can snowball quickly into greater feelings of worthlessness since “Now I’m such a mess, no one could ever love me”. Help your loved one by being proactive. Tell them “I’m going to do the dishes, why don’t you go enjoy a bubble bath?” can give them the permission they won’t give themselves to do something normal, healthy and self-loving.
6. Hug them.
Studies show that a sincere hug that lasts longer than 20 seconds can release feel-good chemicals in the brain and elevate the mood of the giver and receiver. Depressed people often don’t want to be touched, but a sincere hug with no expectation of anything further can give your partner a lift.
7. Laugh with them.
Telling a silly joke, watching a comedy or seeing a stand up comedian will encourage your partner to laugh in spite of themselves. Laughing releases endorphins and studies show can actually counteract symptoms of depression and anxiety.
8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.
Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they won’t scare you away because they have an illness.
9. Challenge their destructive thoughts.
A depressed person’s mind can be a never-ending loop of painful, destructive thoughts. “I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I’m ugly, I’m stupid”. Challenge these untruths with the truth. “You’re not unlovable, I love you. You aren’t a failure, here are all the things you’ve accomplished.”
10.Remind them why you love them.
Look at pictures of happy times you’ve had together. Tell them your favorite things about them. Reminisce about your relationship and all the positive things that have happened, and remind your partner that you love them and they will get through this.
(via The Darling Bakers)
More people need to know this.
This is so incredibly important. I’ve seen people with depression ostracized so many times, and I cannot stress how much it means to each and every person I’ve tried to reach out to after whatever “falling-outs” they’ve had due to depression. Remember to always be compassionate and kind to all friends like this, because you never know what they’re going through.Along with these great tips, here few extra things NOT to do:
- Don’t tell them to just try to think positively. This is NOT helpful because depression is a mental illness, not just a negative outlook or a choice.
- Don’t wait for them to reach out to you. Reaching out can feel impossibly daunting for someone with depression, even if they want company badly, so try to initiate time together as much as possible.
- Don’t diminish their experiences or feelings with stuff like “Everyone has bad days” or “I used to feel like you but I got through it”. These might be intended to help but they don’t.
- Don’t make jokes about suicide or self harm around your friend, as they may be struggling with those things and feel unsupported by those around them.
- Don’t go too long without checking in. Expressing feelings can be hard when depressed, so initiate conversations by asking them how they’re doing and making yourself available as a listening ear. Don’t assume that they are okay just because they haven’t told you that they’re struggling.
OK BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY TRUE
TAKE NOTES
Dear CP: Relationships with Disabilities…
Congratulations, CP!
You’ve cleared the dating hurdle and are now in a committed relationship. This is the “honeymoon” faze where I bet you are using plenty of pet names, cuddling, and taking so many pictures that you are blowing up your friends Facebook feeds.
Don’t lie, I know you would!
Every love song reminds you of them and things seem perfect. It is going good for now and you should enjoy it because before you know it, that pesky “disability” thing is going to wedge its way in again.I can picture it now….
I am out in public with my super cute, abled, boyfriend. Maybe we are out on a date, or just out shopping, or running errands. We will be holding hands and smiling at each other, minding our own business, when suddenly someone approaches. They look between the both of us and smile cautiously before turning to my boyfriend to say:
“It’s so nice of you to be her caretaker. That is wonderful of you!” My hand tightens around his, fire rising to my face. He looks back to me before responding.
“Actually, I am her boyfriend and I am very lucky.”
The stranger appears embarrassed, confused, and flabbergasted.
“Oh… well… um,” they will mutter some excuse of an apology then make a quick but painful exit.CP, you know what really makes being in a relationship hard when I’ve got you riding shotgun the whole time?
When abled people can’t comprehend that, yes, this attractive, abled person is in fact my boyfriend.
Many still don’t understand how a relationship between a disabled person and an abled person could possibly work. Some even find it completely wrong and disturbing for the disabled to date abled people, or for them to date at all!
Suddenly, I am thrown back into the same whirlwind of questions.
How could you be in a relationship?
What would you be able to offer?
Who would be attracted to you?
Why not date someone who is disabled?
But isn’t he more of a caretaker than a boyfriend?
It’s like I can never escape it, CP! I am constantly having to explain and justify my relationships and my decision not to date within the disabled community.
Sometimes I feel more like a broken record than a person with a disability.Honestly, it is very heartbreaking and damaging.
CP, you hear these questions repeated over and over and suddenly they become….
How can I be in a relationship?
This relationship can’t be real.
What can I possibly have to offer?
They are more a caretaker than a boyfriend.
Who is going to find me attractive?
My disability is not attractive.
Over.
And.
Over.Now I am feeling completely worthless and insecure while I second guess everything in my life. Now I am crying to my boyfriend and he has to and reassure me that yes, I am worthy. Yes, I am attractive. Yes, this relationship is real. It will take a while but, eventually, I will calm down and realize the truth all over again.
At least until the next “incident.”
And while he is staying up all night comforting me and listening to me cry, his heart will break because he can reassure me a thousand times, but he cannot erase all the ableism in the world and he cannot make my disability go away.
He can only help me to realize that I am deserving enough of this relationship.If I am being honest, being in a disabled-abled relationship means that you do things a little different than others but, that doesn’t make the relationship any less meaningful.
So what’s it like being with someone who is disabled?
Well, it depends on the person and the disability, but it is just like any other relationship.
You hold hands.
You kiss.
You stay up all night texting.
Your heart skips a beat when you think of their smile.
You learn all their favorite things.
The only difference is that learning about me and my body also means that they learn about you.Hi, I am really happy to see you, please ignore my involuntary shaking.
I kicked you? No, I am not mad, that’s just my muscle tone.
LOL, that joke was really funny! Ooops, I just drooled a little bit.
I also have this thing called a startle reflex.
Spazzing, it’s ok.Kind of like meet the parents, or meet the child, except it’s more like meet the disability!
CP, this is my boyfriend.
Boyfriend, this is CP.
We are kind of a package deal.CP, I know you make things in life a little difficult and different, but are things really as bad as people make it seem?
Think about it….
I have CP so my boyfriend helps me carry things and open doors.
But when boyfriends open doors and carry bags for their abled girlfriends, it’s called being a gentlemen.
Why is it ok to do these things as a gentlemen, but as soon as it’s to help someone with a disability it is seen as a burden?
Because one is a choice and one is a need?
Wake up! You should WANT to do these things for people whether they have a disability or not. It’s polite and shows you care, and does it really impact your life that drastically?
Seriously, try being the disabled one in a relationship first.
The truth is, there is nothing special about this situation. If I wasn’t in a relationship, I would find a way to carry my own things and open my own doors. What do you think I did before I was in a relationship?
But I do appreciate the help, and I will expect my partner to offer that help if I need it.Now, I am not going to lie and say that having CP is always easy, because it’s not. And I am not going to say that CP will never put stress on a relationship, or cause a few disagreements, but what relationship doesn’t have a few minor issues here and there?
But why does that make my relationship troubles any different than the typical relationship?
Because abled people believe that a disability is an unfortunate burden?
CP, when people think a disability is some embarrassing flaw, they tend to regard any future boyfriend of mine as “Someone very special” or even a hero!
I can hear them now…..
“Oh, she’s your girlfriend? Wow! You are such a strong person to deal with this every day. It is wonderful of you to love her… you are such an inspiration to everyone!”
Ugh! Inspiration barf!
There is nothing special or inspirational about my relationships!
The only difference in my relationships is that one of us has CP and the other one doesn’t!
There is nothing heroic about my boyfriend behaving like a decent human being and treating me like I am equal.
Yes, I applaud him for not being an able-minded idiot, but he is not some badass superman that swoops down and rescues me from my “unfortunate fate.”
He is human and so am I.People think that being in a disabled-abled relationship is so different from a “normal” relationship, but I am about to show you the truth.
In a disabled relationship you may have to carry bags and open doors.
In an abled relationship you open doors and call it gentlemen behavior.
In a disabled relationship you may have to help your partner into a car.
In an abled relationship you’d call this a caring act.
In a disabled relationship you may have to assist your partner with eating.
In an abled relationship you feed your partner and call it romantic.
In a disabled relationship you may have to assist your partner in the shower.
In an abled relationship you shower with your partner and call it sexy.Not all these things necessarily happen in every disabled-abled relationship, but it’s important to realize that while you may need to help your partner with some of these daily things, they happen in every other relationship as well. The only difference is your point of view. So maybe you should change the way you think…
Your partner needs help eating?
Make it a romantic dinner for two, maybe add some flirty eye contact!
Your partner needs you to carry something heavy?
Remember it is polite to help. I am sure they will thank you. You may even earn yourself a kiss.
Your partner needs help in the shower?
Join them and explore your intimacy! Who doesn’t like a sexy, steamy, shower for two?
But remember, in these situations, your partner never “owes” you anything for your help! If you need to be rewarded for good behavior, than you are not mature enough for this relationship!CP, being in a disabled-abled relationship is nothing special. It is not unheard of, or wrong. It is not inspirational and it does not make anyone a hero. It is just like a “normal” relationship. It is unique to the individuals and has its ups and downs. It should be loving and caring and, despite what others think, not focus on the needs of the persons disability. No two people are exactly alike, just like no two relationships are exactly alike. A disability is not a flaw and is not a burden. It is a unique characteristic of the person you love.
Dear CP:
Relationships are difficult.
Whether you have a disability or not.~Love:
Me
For any lesbian, gay, bi, transgender folks alone for the holidays…
http://www.yourholidaymom.com/ is a blog run by a bunch of moms (and sometimes other parents) who will post a letter to you daily until Christmas with words of acceptance and welcome. It was designed specifically as a project for kids and adults who face rejection over the holidays because of their sexuality or gender. This meant a lot to me the first year that I was isolated by my family, and I wanted to share it with all of you.
Holding the Bowl 