allsamallthetime:

Ten years ago, I was about to get sick
I cannot remember it
I cannot remember waking up at 7am, 5 days in a row
Week after week after week
I don’t remember if it was easy but I remember it was possible
I cannot remember when nothing ached
When if I didn’t walk, it was because I was lazy
Not because I couldn’t

I cannot remember
When taking a shower
Was relaxing
Instead of exhausting

I cannot remember
When I wasn’t a burden
When I was fun
And energetic
And up for anything
And no one had to slow down or miss out
Because of me

I cannot remember
How it is to remember
When I didn’t need to write anything down
And didn’t break promises
And didn’t forget my own name
When I knew all the words I needed
When everyone said
How eloquent I was
I can remember everyone said it
But I can’t remember being it

I cannot remember
Being upright all day
And never lying down
Or counting the hours
From painkiller to painkiller

I cannot remember
Reading page after page for hours
For fun
And understanding every word
Without reading a line twice over
Or three times, or five
And without feeling like a failure

I cannot remember
No pain
I cannot remember it
What did I do?
Did I walk faster? Or further?
Did I stay out all night?
Or did I just sit around?
Without knowing that one day
Just sitting around would be all there was
And even then
The pain wouldn’t end

I cannot remember
Having energy instead of pain
I cannot remember
Concentration and memory
And still knowing how my sentence had started
When I got to the end

Two thirds of my life, I was healthy
And I cannot remember