livingaschristian:

Today my boyfriend asked me what dysphoria looked like to me. I honestly didn’t know how to answer it, because I try to suppress it, so I’m not very good at listening to myself, and I’m not good with words. I forget things, I lie or change subject.

I don’t experience my dysphoria, it just sometimes peaks it’s ugly head up and tell me my body is horrible and something to be ashamed of. And I keep pushing myself to not let it affect me, ‘cause I don’t want to feel it.

Drawing this makes me dysphoric. It forces me to think about my situation, about my body and my future.

I should probably think about it some more. It’s not healthy not to feel your feelings, I think.

And about the surgeries.. I want top-surgery, but I can’t afford it right now. I fear bottom surgery because it can’t give me what I want, so for me, it wouldn’t be worth it, and that upsets me.