I wrote this about a week back and hadn’t planned on posting it in my fandom space, but a fandom friend said something to me about it that made me rethink that decisions. This is a discussion of clinical depression and everything that comes with it. If any of that is triggering, I’d give this a…From the lovely, generous, thoughtful arsenicjade
1. I’m aware of what I have. I suspect many people with severe clinical depression are. And we ARE grateful for it. But being grateful is not equal to being happy, or even NOT DEPRESSED.
Depression is a chemical misfire of the brain. It’s not sadness. Sadness will come and go. Depression, if treatment-resistant, may not. And unlike “A Beautiful Mind” would have the average person believe, mental illness is not actually something you can reason your way out of.
I can no more say to myself, “It is a pretty day and breakfast was delicious and I love my dog,” and force myself out of the depression than someone without an arm can regrow that limb out of the awareness that things would be so much easier.
I almost didn’t go to therapy today, because I feel like my problems are common place, and can be solved by common sense, and I don’t want to take up time and resources that could be used by other people. And Therapist said: “You’re not ever wasting my time. You’re bi-polar, and that’s really hard for a lot of different reasons, and I’m someone who understands that. I’m here to help you.”
So now I’m crying off and on at a cafe because I’ve seen four therapists throughout my life and still don’t feel like I have a handle on how to deal with being bipolar, and I SHOULDN’T feel selfish or guilty for going to therapy. I still do, but I shouldn’t, and I’m working on treating my feelings—even the obvious ones, or ones I thought I worked through in the past—like they’re legitimate and important.
arsenicjade’s post convinced me to go to my appointment today.
This was really good to read today, for almost the same reasons. Thank you both.
Gratitude: That Word Doesn’t Necessarily Mean What You Think It Means
Holding the Bowl 